Tug of War with Higher Power: Everything is at it should be.

I have been in a tug of war with my Higher Power. I wonder who will win. The real question however is why I am in a tug of war at all with my Higher Power? No doubt it is resistance to my changing life, my changing process coupled with getting older and feeling the preciousness of time slowly running out; a candle burning down to the end. I think to myself, “If Higher Power doesn’t hurry up and bring me what I think I need to fulfill my destiny, time could run out. I could die!” Those are the silent private conversations I have with my Higher Power. The underlying fear being death and at the same time questioning whether the direction in my life (Has Higher Power made a mistake?) is correct. Knowing that ultimately everything is at it should be. However those words, (truths) are not consoling. Everything as it should be only briefly consoles me, then the tug of war begins again. Here’s the image: God has a hold of one side of a braided rope and I have hold of the other side of the rope. Like a seesaw we are tugging, pulling, tugging, pulling-wasted effort, futile, really. At the clearer spiritual times I am aware that everything is as it should be and that in “reality” everything is an illusion; molecules and atoms spinning rapidly. I remind myself that I, including my thoughts, make-up this molecular structure-atomic illusion. Also, at moments of clarity, I know that God is everything penetrating every single molecule and atom. So who am I to argue with Higher Power and why bother?

Here’s a dream I had this morning that says it all.

In the dream I looked over at my fish tank (In waking reality I don’t have a fish tank). At the bottom of the tank was a dead fish. I was shocked. How could I be so neglectful of my fish? Had the water dried up? Where was the food? I was startled by my lack of awareness especially around anything that has to do with caretaking a pet. In the dream, I ran to the pet store and bought food. When I came back I noticed that there was a fish swimming around at the top of the tank. It looked a bit scaly like it might have some skin problem. Still it was alive. The fish at the bottom of the tank remained dead. Its presence was shocking. It was a mystery how it died because there was water in the tank. (Did I forget to feed the fish?)

 I interpreted the dream in several ways, (Ahhh….the beauty and importance of writing dreams down). The obvious interpretation is that a part of me feels dead inside; another part feels very much alive. But the dream also showed me the illusion of life. Even after we die, (the dead fish) we are still very much alive living in similar ways that we live right now. (Although a s painful separation from loved ones, death is an illusion). The third interpretation, and the one that feels closest to my psychological/spiritual place right now, is that the fish and the water (universal symbols of spirituality) represent a new emerging spirituality. As things change, the old has to die to allow for a new life to unfold. (The new life is the fish at the top of the tank). In the physical, I have to let go and surrender completely (feels like a death) and stop the tug of war. I must (no choice) allow myself to be guided by my Higher Power, the Holy Spirit, the ECK, so many names for That Which Is.
Thank-you Holy Spirit.

Love, Light, Healing and Many Blessings,

Ruth Starseed
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Surrendering: Delving Deeper into Spirituality

Thirteen years old and ready for bat mitzvah, I asked the rabbi, “Can we learn about Jesus?" Part rebellion, but mostly curious and sincere, I did not know then, what I know now- in previous lifetimes I lived as a cloistered nun loving the Great Master Teacher known to Christians around the world as the Son of God, known to me in this lifetime as someone to love and to emulate. Although I was not raised Christian, nor was Jesus talked about in our home, I think about Jesus often. In fact, I think about Jesus every day. When I reflect on the meaning of surrendering to Higher Power, I  think about the wise and different things Jesus said: On surrendering he said, “I can of my own self do nothing, for I seek not my own will but the Will of the Father.”

Powerful words that will always be true. The words of the Great Master Teacher Jesus Christ hold true no matter what century we live in, or religion or belief we hold; the bottom line is that we will not move forward in life in a loving and positive way without the will and intention of a Higher Power-the Will of the Father as Jesus said. We all need something to lean on. Surrendering to Higher Power is the best way no matter how you conceptualize your Higher Power. Personally, and after much searching, I am drawn to the New Age idea of Christ as a Divine loving and forgiving Consciousness. A way of living life that is available for us all to aspire to; we are all son's and daughter's of God. Developing a loving and forgiving consciousness is a direct route to making conscious contact with one's Higher Power.

I like to study dreams. They take me deeper into my spirituality. To make a strong point, a recent dream brought this information. In the dream I was on an operating table at a local hospital, Roxborough Hospital. The operation was going to be performed in the basement. I was in a poorer section of the city where they did surgery in the basement. I was about to be anesthetized. I noticed that the walls of the operating room were brownish. The tiles were smooth and grimy looking like you might see in a bathroom in a subway. Still, I had to trust that the surgeons knew what they were doing and that I was in good hands. On the operating table I felt helpless; I had to surrender. The doctor was unfamiliar; I did not totally trust his skill. Still, I was on his operating table. I had to let go and not resist the operation. The operation was going to take place no matter what I did. Surrender was the key to success and at that  point there was no choice. The doctor gave me anesthesia and in the dream. I prayed to Babaji an Eastern Guru I studied about in the past.

In the dream I surrendered to the operation. In waking reality, when I surrender to Higher Power, I imagine myself waving a white flag signaling my need for help-someone, or something, to lean on. At those tired times, in those tired moments, I know I cannot do anything without the strength and direction of my Higher Power. This was the case in the dream.

After the operation, I got up and walked around the basement of the hospital. There were many people in the basement including interns learning new skills. I looked out the window onto a small yard. I was glad there was a window to enjoy the scenery. The yard was filled with green trees, a small lawn and shrubs. The message in the dream was that there was hope for the future. In the dream, I was the patient and had to completely (no half-way measures) wave the white flag and surrender to experience a deeper spirituality and connection to my Higher Power.

“Why art thou troubled because things do not succeed with thee according to thy desire? Who is there who hath all things according to his will? Neither I, nor thou, nor any man upon earth.”

Thomas A’Kempis.

Love, Light, Healing and Many Blessings,

Ruth Starseed
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Controlling the Uncontrollable

Trying to control something that is out of my control makes me lose faith and worse, I wonder if Higher Power does not have my best interests at heart. By trying to control what I cannot control-another person’s life- their journey, their direction in life, is an act in futility-it is not going to happen-ever. When I start thinking that I know best and have answers for another person I have to let go, take a deep breath, and remind myself that it is God’s show, not mine. Every minute of every day I must remind myself of this truth; I have to wake up and go to sleep with this thought in mind. If I don’t keep this thought in the front of my mind, or if I think that my will is stronger than Divine Will, I will suffer.

The challenge is I want to know how everything is going to turn out. I want everything to be okay! I want the outcome to be positive and perfect, but first I want the outcome written on a large piece of paper and handed down to me from above, or at the least, put in sky writing so I know my loved ones are safe and secure and that eventually everything will right itself. Since that is wishful thinking, I have to surrender and let go. Otherwise, the anxiety of trying to control the uncontrollable is unbearable.

Unbearable!

It is at this point of suffering that I have to let go and surrender what seems impossible to do. I have to surrender the fear and anxiety and place it in God’s hands whatever the outcome. As the well-known preacher and positive thinker Joel Osteen says, “It is easy to have faith when things are going well.” Much harder when there is waiting and watching and hoping and praying for a positive outcome. Of course other people have to create their own positive result. It is out of my control.

So for today, I am letting go of what is impossible to control, the uncontrollable.

Love, Light, Healing and Many blessings,


Ruth Starseed
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